Thursday, June 17, 2010

Surprised I returned......

I have got to say I am really surprised that I returned to write another entry....... After setting up this blog I felt exposed, like I was throwing the biggest self pity party. But after checking it randomly to find nice comments by strangers and loved ones with such sincere, loving comments it was comforting and motivating. So here I am writing again...... Thank you!

Since the last time I was on here I have possibly lost a dear friend of mine, and have never felt so helpless.
It was not her fault that she found out she was pregnant with her second child just days after I was FINALLY pregnant, It wasn't her fault that we shared the same due date, and finally it wasn't her fault that I lost my baby but she got to keep hers.
I have spent almost the last 8 months pretending she wasn't pregnant (though I see her multiple times a week) and convincing myself that I would be fine if I could just get pregnant by the time she had the baby. And here I am 2 weeks out, how did I not prepare for this?? I am the ultimate preparer, and I am not ready!
I COULDNT EVEN GO TO HER SHOWER!!!! I couldn't bring myself to go, and I don't know what is worse, the paralyzing fear that would have never allowed me to go with out having a break down, or the guilt for not going. I haven't talked to her since, and don't know how to fix this......And even worse, if I do find a way to fix this, what about when she has the baby?? I cant even think about it without getting tears in my eyes, I feel so selfish, I would never wish this on ANYONE, but I just don't understand why things happen the way they do? Why after everything do I need a constant reminder of how things could have been? These are the times I question Gods will.

A couple motivating quotes sent from a great friend:

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.
When God takes something from your grasp, Hes not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
The will of God will never take you where the grace of God does not protect you.


  1. you will get there. I believe alot of women dont understand infertility, cause we all would rather wish it never exsisted, also its a scary word. Your good friend will understand, and you will come around, especailly if she needs you. You are a loving friend. God only gives you what you can handle, therefor you are one strong woman. i wish when i went through my struggle with infertility, and loss that i was as strong as you, i let it get the best of me. hold your head up high hun, just remember something got to give sooner or later, i will pray for sooner :)

  2. Infertility is so painful & difficult at times, anyone who has walked that road knows the feelings you described well & you are definitely not alone. Infertility absolutely takes strength, determination, & faith. One blessing that my husband & I feel we received through our struggle was that we grew even closer in our love for each other & were really tested to look seriously at what we wanted for our lives. It really gives you perspective on what is important in life. Infertility also definitely changes you as a person, but in some ways for the will learn you are stronger then you thought & you will know with a definitive reassurance what it is you really care for in this life. Hope you continue to feel supported in your journey! I know for me blogging was one of the most therapeutic things I did for myself throughout our infertility struggle.

  3. Welcome back! I am glad that you are still here. This whole IF has made me feel so exposed and raw. I mean, really though, it is taking one of the most personal and private experiences we have and exposing it to the world. It sure isn't easy!

    There is a post that I thought you might appreciate:

    I totally understand the baby shower drama. I hosted my best friends shower about 3 months after our azoos diagnosis. It was an intimate brunch with her closest friends and family. I sat there with tears running down my face, unable to speak. It was all I could do not to burst out sobbing. I love her so much and always pictured that we would be pregnant together. The pain I felt was almost unbearable, but I did it somehow.

    Seeing her baby when she was born was so much easier than I thought it would be. and watching her grow is amazing. While I long to experience motherhood, this perfect little baby is somehow separate from that longing.

    Another friend more recently had a baby shower. It was a long awaited pregnancy, following years of infertility, and I really am so happy for her. But I had the hardest time getting out of bed the morning of her shower. Instead I curled up and watched the 16 and pregnant marathon, and cried. I got to the shower an hour late, and left early. I smiled and managed not to cry, but actively avoided any conversations. She understood, i know she hurts for me still.

    I think that your friend will understand. maybe you can write her a note, tell her how much you love her and want to be there for her, but that it is too painful for you right now.

    I hope that we'll see you again soon!
    PS - thanks for signing up to follow my blog :) I'm not the greatest writer, but I love writing, it is so therapeutic.

  4. omg, could my comment have been any longer? geez.