Since the last time I was on here I have possibly lost a dear friend of mine, and have never felt so helpless.
It was not her fault that she found out she was pregnant with her second child just days after I was FINALLY pregnant, It wasn't her fault that we shared the same due date, and finally it wasn't her fault that I lost my baby but she got to keep hers.
I have spent almost the last 8 months pretending she wasn't pregnant (though I see her multiple times a week) and convincing myself that I would be fine if I could just get pregnant by the time she had the baby. And here I am 2 weeks out, how did I not prepare for this?? I am the ultimate preparer, and I am not ready!
I COULDNT EVEN GO TO HER SHOWER!!!! I couldn't bring myself to go, and I don't know what is worse, the paralyzing fear that would have never allowed me to go with out having a break down, or the guilt for not going. I haven't talked to her since, and don't know how to fix this......And even worse, if I do find a way to fix this, what about when she has the baby?? I cant even think about it without getting tears in my eyes, I feel so selfish, I would never wish this on ANYONE, but I just don't understand why things happen the way they do? Why after everything do I need a constant reminder of how things could have been? These are the times I question Gods will.
A couple motivating quotes sent from a great friend: