Sunday, June 27, 2010

New computer ;)

Yay for a new computer and my first laptop!!! I have purchased and justified it with going back to school to get my BSN. No more putting things off in life because I may get pregnant or possible fertility treatments. I will re enroll in school and I will graduate with or without a baby!

Also a quick life lesson....... people can be down right cruel and thank goodness I found out now vs later that a certain someone is not a friend!

And on a side note, a house FULL of family staying for 2 weeks can be stressful!!!

Hopefully everyone has a great week!!!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Surprised I returned......

I have got to say I am really surprised that I returned to write another entry....... After setting up this blog I felt exposed, like I was throwing the biggest self pity party. But after checking it randomly to find nice comments by strangers and loved ones with such sincere, loving comments it was comforting and motivating. So here I am writing again...... Thank you!

Since the last time I was on here I have possibly lost a dear friend of mine, and have never felt so helpless.
It was not her fault that she found out she was pregnant with her second child just days after I was FINALLY pregnant, It wasn't her fault that we shared the same due date, and finally it wasn't her fault that I lost my baby but she got to keep hers.
I have spent almost the last 8 months pretending she wasn't pregnant (though I see her multiple times a week) and convincing myself that I would be fine if I could just get pregnant by the time she had the baby. And here I am 2 weeks out, how did I not prepare for this?? I am the ultimate preparer, and I am not ready!
I COULDNT EVEN GO TO HER SHOWER!!!! I couldn't bring myself to go, and I don't know what is worse, the paralyzing fear that would have never allowed me to go with out having a break down, or the guilt for not going. I haven't talked to her since, and don't know how to fix this......And even worse, if I do find a way to fix this, what about when she has the baby?? I cant even think about it without getting tears in my eyes, I feel so selfish, I would never wish this on ANYONE, but I just don't understand why things happen the way they do? Why after everything do I need a constant reminder of how things could have been? These are the times I question Gods will.

A couple motivating quotes sent from a great friend:

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.
When God takes something from your grasp, Hes not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
The will of God will never take you where the grace of God does not protect you.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

New to blogging

My reasons for starting this blog are very simple, I am going to use this as my outlet, a place I can dedicate to this area of my life, so it hopefully will no longer bleed into every other aspect of me.

After almost 3 years of TTC it has become me. I am not saying that it has molded me into the person I am today..... No, it has BECOME me, it has CONSUMED me, been a part of every breath I have taken, and every thought I have had for the last 3 years..... I am so tired!!!!!
My friendships have suffered, I cant even throw a baby shower for my best friends or be supportive to my cousin when in labor.... I am tired of it!!!!

I entitled this blog "Our Adventure with Infertility" Because the word "adventure" seems to resonate meaning and also seems to include a conclusion, I need to believe that all this is for a purpose and I refuse to look at it as a burden with no end insight, I have done that for too long. Instead this is our.... Jason and Jamie Wood's personal Adventure!!!

Please don't get me wrong, this blog will not just have uplifting, positive "New" Jamie posts, it is sure to have some self pity, and venting posts. But remember this is its designated spot, its allowed here, not only by me but by any of you who feel you want to contribute.

My husband and I are currently on Haidas from baby making until after a vacation in August. So the posts made by me until then will be self reflections and preparation for our next steps, which are still to be decided.