Not A Great Month!!!!

So I am officially broken!
The hope that femara would be a fresh start with different results is now gone. The femara did nothing but provide me 1 follicle (that I develop on my own, without meds) and another cyst (yay). I think the most frustrating fact for me is that I have stopped ovulating, which has never been an issue.
After a month of temping and opks......nothing.....absolutely nothing!!!!!
First ultrasound showed a "perfect follicle" 1-2 days away from releasing and a week later after my cyst ruptured that same "perfect follicle" was still there, holding on for dear life. And nothing still.
Its not a great sign when your OB tells you that you are way out of her league and its time to go back to the RE.

Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".  well that's me.

For the first time I am accepting the fact that there is a very good chance I will not get pregnant with out IVF. I am not sure how I feel about this, I went into this saying I never would do IVF. I had the mentality that if I couldn't get pregnant then that must mean that God had different plans for us, maybe were meant to adopt, or foster or just not have children.
I also first went into this not EVER thinking that it would come down to this, to this decision. And now that I am here its all too clear to me that I am not ready to give up hope on out own biological child.

Here we go again.......

Well it's been awhile since my last post, I had been trying to take advantage of every last second of our "break".

My husband and I went on a wonderful trip to Disneyland and I actually had a week off of work, which was more then deserved. I recently went to my OB in preparation of TTC again, and follow up blood work and ultrasounds all came back normal (or should I say normal for me). Doc feels strongly that clomid will not work for me and I am starting femera next cycle. I know very little about this drug and having been hitting up a lot of blogs and forums lately looking for info.

Oh yeah, and I decided to be sneaky and took my clomid this past cycle with out telling anyone (not even my husband or Dr) hehe. I am sorry, but come on now, It was actually nice to feel excited about TX again (I started my clomid before my Dr informed me that she didn't believe it would work, o-well). So yeah, I took it this past cycle and was on vacation during the best baby making time.... We will see... I have NO expectations for this cycle, but remain very hopeful for the femera.

I again feel like a person, not someone who's life revolves around OPKS and bedding schedules. It is nice to reconnect with my husband, friends, and family that I had pushed away when I had gotten so engrossed in my own thoughts and feelings. My biggest fear from this point forward is that I will lose myself again.... It happened so easily the first time I hadn't realized it had even happened until I stepped back from it all, which only happened due to a personal breakdown that was a long time coming. I pray that I keep my balance this time. There must be some happy median between me and infertility insanity! My goal is to find that fine line and to walk it, like my life depends on it!

It feels great to be "free" ;-)

What a wonderful day!!!!
I had the opportunity to meet my worst fear......the beautiful baby boy born to one of my best friends that was mentioned in a previous post. And all I can say is WOW. Not only is he beautiful, long toes and all ;) But he gave me something I didn't expect......closure! He has brought me peace that I haven't felt for the last nine months. I am told that he LOVES the swing that my husband and I gave him!
Also a great talk with a great friend that was full of understanding. (thank you, you are a true friend)
I haven't felt this refreshed in a long time and it came from such a small source, who would have thought?

I must add though that I have 2 friends that are currently are going threw an unspeakable loss of losing there children that they had such limited time with. They both need many prayers!

New computer ;)

Yay for a new computer and my first laptop!!! I have purchased and justified it with going back to school to get my BSN. No more putting things off in life because I may get pregnant or possible fertility treatments. I will re enroll in school and I will graduate with or without a baby!

Also a quick life lesson....... people can be down right cruel and thank goodness I found out now vs later that a certain someone is not a friend!

And on a side note, a house FULL of family staying for 2 weeks can be stressful!!!

Hopefully everyone has a great week!!!!

Surprised I returned......

I have got to say I am really surprised that I returned to write another entry....... After setting up this blog I felt exposed, like I was throwing the biggest self pity party. But after checking it randomly to find nice comments by strangers and loved ones with such sincere, loving comments it was comforting and motivating. So here I am writing again...... Thank you!

Since the last time I was on here I have possibly lost a dear friend of mine, and have never felt so helpless.
It was not her fault that she found out she was pregnant with her second child just days after I was FINALLY pregnant, It wasn't her fault that we shared the same due date, and finally it wasn't her fault that I lost my baby but she got to keep hers.
I have spent almost the last 8 months pretending she wasn't pregnant (though I see her multiple times a week) and convincing myself that I would be fine if I could just get pregnant by the time she had the baby. And here I am 2 weeks out, how did I not prepare for this?? I am the ultimate preparer, and I am not ready!
I COULDNT EVEN GO TO HER SHOWER!!!! I couldn't bring myself to go, and I don't know what is worse, the paralyzing fear that would have never allowed me to go with out having a break down, or the guilt for not going. I haven't talked to her since, and don't know how to fix this......And even worse, if I do find a way to fix this, what about when she has the baby?? I cant even think about it without getting tears in my eyes, I feel so selfish, I would never wish this on ANYONE, but I just don't understand why things happen the way they do? Why after everything do I need a constant reminder of how things could have been? These are the times I question Gods will.

A couple motivating quotes sent from a great friend:

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.

When God takes something from your grasp, Hes not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

The will of God will never take you where the grace of God does not protect you.

New to blogging

My reasons for starting this blog are very simple, I am going to use this as my outlet, a place I can dedicate to this area of my life, so it hopefully will no longer bleed into every other aspect of me.

After almost 3 years of TTC it has become me. I am not saying that it has molded me into the person I am today..... No, it has BECOME me, it has CONSUMED me, been a part of every breath I have taken, and every thought I have had for the last 3 years..... I am so tired!!!!!
My friendships have suffered, I cant even throw a baby shower for my best friends or be supportive to my cousin when in labor.... I am tired of it!!!!

I entitled this blog "Our Adventure with Infertility" Because the word "adventure" seems to resonate meaning and also seems to include a conclusion, I need to believe that all this is for a purpose and I refuse to look at it as a burden with no end insight, I have done that for too long. Instead this is our.... Jason and Jamie Wood's personal Adventure!!!

Please don't get me wrong, this blog will not just have uplifting, positive "New" Jamie posts, it is sure to have some self pity, and venting posts. But remember this is its designated spot, its allowed here, not only by me but by any of you who feel you want to contribute.

My husband and I are currently on Haidas from baby making until after a vacation in August. So the posts made by me until then will be self reflections and preparation for our next steps, which are still to be decided.